It's not cool to talk to me when you're naked

At first I was going to title this post:  Bathroom/Locker Room Etiquette As I See It.
But I feel that the current title is far more entertaining, and gives you insight into a real-life example as to why this is something I feel strongly about.  There are no written rules about bathroom and locker room etiquette, but I really kind of feel like there should be.  Hence...

The following are a combination of what I think are generally accepted, unwritten rules, and rules that, while possibly less accepted, should be expected...And strictly enforced, through social ostracism, humiliation, and generally being pointed at and laughed at.  Maybe you should also have to wear a sign or scarlet letter of some kind.

(These observations and rules are based on female restrooms and locker rooms - that doesn't mean they are not a good idea for men too.)

"Hey what are you doing?" ...Um, isn't that kinda personal?

 

This is a rule that is being violated more and more in our constantly connected world and I know this is going to be difficult for some of you to read, but, if you just take a deep breath and keep reading, I think I can bring you around to my way of thinking.  Here it goes,  NO talking on your phone in a public bathroom!!  Notice I did specify the word public, what you do in your own home is your own business, although I would be careful about who you talk to on the phone, lest a boss, job interviewer, or potential significant other hear you flush.  I also want to say that this is not a hard and fast rule if there is no one else in the room and/or building, or if you are answering an emergency call while leaving the restroom.  Specifically, I am referring to that time (or times) you were sitting on the toilet, and someone else walked in and said, "hey what's up?" And you responded, "um, not much.  What's up with you?"  And then the other person answered a question you didn't ask, or commented about the rude person trying to talk to them in the next stall...  For those of you not following, the "someone else" answered their phone but you didn't know that because they had their phone on silent, or they made the call and you couldn't see them!  And of course you didn't want to be rude and not say something!  Even though a stranger asking you how you're doing when you're on a toilet is pretty rude to start.  It's all just so confusing.  Add to that, now you've ("you" now refers to the phone person) made me feel really dumb, and I either have to hang out on the toilet until you leave so that I don't have to make eye-contact with you, which makes you think I'm pooping because I'm sitting there so long and not making noise - an issue in and of itself to be addressed shortly - OR I have to quickly finish whatever it is I am doing and get out of the bathroom before you!

Overall it's just disrespectful for you to cause me this much distress because you couldn't wait two minutes to take/make a phone call.  Besides, the risk of dropping your phone in the toilet increases significantly if you have it in your hand in a bathroom stall.

Ladies don't fart

 

See you didn't have to read too long before we addressed the issue of number two, and/or the noises generally associated with number two in a public bathroom.  Now I'm not saying that you cannot or should not do your number two business in a public bathroom.  I totally support this if you can do it without making a noise, or if you are not in the bathroom with anyone you know.  But generally speaking, the popular belief in our society is that women do not fart, or poop for that matter.  Let me clarify.  Women DO NOT make noises in the bathroom other than soothing fountain-like noises.  Didn't you know that? Truly, we women are graceful creatures and all that we do is graceful, beautiful, and soothing.  Still, if you are unfortunate enough to make any other noise in a bathroom stall and there is a witness, you must immediately stop what you are doing and sit patiently until the other person leaves.  We do this because, as I highlighted in the header, women don't fart.  If you do make an indiscreet, unladylike noise, no one can ever know your identity.  Out of respect the witness to your indecency should leave the bathroom discretely and as quickly as possible.  This is done for privacy reasons, and to save you both the embarrassment of ruining the perception that women do not have bodily functions.  If you don't make eye-contact it didn't happen.

This is one of those unwritten, generally accepted rules.  I can't say that I totally agree with it, but this seems to be the way it is and I would not want you make yourself the subject of that strictly enforced social ostracism I wrote about earlier.  Ultimately it's up to you, break this rule at your own risk.

Wash your hands... If You Can Be Identified

 

Let me be clear, I am not saying that you should not wash your hands EVERY time you use the restroom.  Bathrooms are generally disgusting environments, and you have to remember that not everyone is as impeccably well-groomed and clean as you are...and those people just touched everything you touched!  Anyway, what I am saying is that I know not everyone always washes their hands.  I know!  But, if you are one of these people, you must, at the very least wash your hands if you can be identified.  This means if you made eye-contact with anyone who is still in the bathroom when you are preparing to leave, you can be identified.  If you spoke out loud while someone else in the bathroom, and you are leaving before they are, you must expect that your voice was identified and thus, you have been identified.  If you are wearing cute shoes and someone uses the stall next to you, and you are leaving first, you have been identified.  Then there is the obvious: if you walk out of your stall and there is a line or someone at a sink, washing their hands, you have been identified, and MUST WASH YOUR HANDS!  You don't want to be the one in the office with whom no one wants to share a computer or phone, and you wouldn't want a job interviewer to refuse to shake your hand because they ran into you earlier in the day... in the bathroom... and you didn't wash your hands... and they saw you... You see where I'm going with all of this?

Alternate heads and tails

 

I encountered my motivation for this rule in a locker room several years ago.  But I must also give credit to my mother and god-mother who provided the bathroom equivalent for this rule.  The locker room example is as such:  Several years ago I was on a swimming kick and was going to the pool several (ha! more like "few") time per week.  The shower area of the locker room was one giant room with like twenty shower heads just pocking out of the wall.  No curtains.  No dividers.   Anyway, there I am gettin' my shampoo on in the empty shower area when a woman comes in and turns on the shower head RIGHT NEXT TO ME! Now, I'm not a prude.  I feel like I have to say that.  But generally speaking, it is NOT okay for any two people to shower at adjacent shower heads if there are other available shower heads!  Even best friends, or sisters, or sisters who are best friends, should have at least one shower head between them unless there are absolutely no other options!  If there are twenty shower heads, there should be ten women in there showering before anyone needs to be at the shower head next to me!

This rule also applies to bathroom stalls (see thats where the "heads and tails" came in! shower heads, and tails are your bottom end...see what I did there?).

Obviously this is a rule close to my heart, evidenced by all of the exclamation marks and self-centered tone...but I still think it should be a rule.

Don't Look Into My Eyes

 

This is another one of those generally practice unwritten rules, that badly needs to be written.  The idea here is that if we are in a locker room, or other naked situation that is not meant to be sexy, there should be no eye contact!  Unless in cases of deep conversation with a good friend, during which eye contact is inevitable and/or necessary.  And even then, you need to be very careful, you're both naked, and therefor it can be ONLY eye contact and it should be as brief as politely possible.  Now you can talk, talking is a good thing.  But in general, until your girly parts are covered, no eye-contact.  This is especially true if there is lathering or lotioning going on! To continue on with my example from earlier, there I am in the shower, doin' my thing when no-space-bubble-lady starts showering right next to me.  She proceeded to start talking to be about my swim.  This is something I can mostly deal with, but then she is forcing eye-contact upon me!  Like moving her head into my line of sight so that I have to look at her, all the while she is soaping her rear end!  I know! It sounds like a scene from an Adam Sandler movie, but it happened to me.  I have had similar experiences with someone rubbing lotion all over their naked selves while trying to have a conversation with eye-contact.  It's just not necessary ladies!  Avert your eyes, I don't care how comfortable you are in your body, embrace your inner prude and act ashamed of your nakedness like the rest of us!

It's okay to dance naked at home...

 

I really just like my heading here.  I don't have any fun stories about naked dancing in a locker room.  That would be both extremely funny and completely uncomfortable.  This rule is actually closely tied to my last one and it basically says, get your a$$ dressed!  I am not saying that you have to drape yourself in a towel and do that thing where you try to put on all of your clothes while keeping yourself completely covered and then your boob slips out and you're totally embarrassed.  No, I am only saying, don't doddle (is that the word I want there?).  Get your panties and bra (at the least) on before you run a muck about the locker room, putting on lotion or make-up, or drying your hair.  Again, no one in this locker room wants to see your girly bits.  Once those girly things are covered you can reenact the entire Grease Lighting number from Grease for all I care...but keep in mind you may end up on youtube doing something like that!

Don't get confused, it's irritating

 

Last but not least, people, there is a difference between a locker room and a bathroom and/or a bathroom stall.  I don't know why it bugs me, but when I am in a locker room and someone goes into the toilet stall to do their locker room business, not their number ones or twos, it really irritates me.  It's like, okay, I know people have their body issues, we all do! But why do you get to hide in the stall while crazy eye-contact-lotion-rubby lady tried to carry on a conversation with me?!  Honestly, it kinda makes me feel like a kinky exhibitionist that I didn't change in the stall.  There is a level of expected nudity in a locker room, get over it and leave the stalls open for those of us who didn't want to pee in the pool!

The other aspect of this is using a public bathroom as a locker room.  Maybe my one reader can help me with this one, because I actually don't know what is more appropriate.  You know, it's irritating when you're inline to use a stall in a woman's restroom and you realize someone is using the handicapped stall to change.  That's irritating because, I need to go now! and also because, what if I were handicapped? You're not! Jerk.  But on the other hand, have you ever walked into a public bathroom only to find someone at some level of undress standing in the bathroom in plain sight?  Also super awkward!  Hi, I don't know you, but those are really cute panties.  Thanks for sharing?  I think the middle ground is, if you must change in a bathroom stall, either do it in a stall (a normal stall, don't ever take up a handicapped stall unless its the only remaining option) during a low volume time.  Or wait to change in your car like the rest of us!!


Thank you.
PS- my husband informs me that NONE of these rules are practiced in the male world.  I may need to do another post discussing the differences because they truly are fascinating.

Reason #2 I have a husband

I explained reason #1 for me to have my husband in a previous post, although I did not label it as such.  Reason #1 is because having a husband means I almost always have a spider killer at my disposal.  Reason #2 is that I am afraid of the dark and have an over-active imagination.

Last night husband got to go spend the night at a sleep clinic because his snores are starting to wake the neighbors and I'm tired of buying earplugs.  Before leaving he commented that I would probably sleep great because he would not be next to me making the wall vibrate, and I have to admit, I almost believed him.  But then I realized it would be my first night alone in our house.  The animals don't count because the dog is going deaf and sleeps harder than a narcoleptic alcoholic and cats are crazy.  I thought, mind over matter, I would be able to convince myself that I am an adult, the doors are all locked and the likelihood of a serial killer choosing the one night I was home alone to randomly attack me are pretty slim.  I was not able to convince myself of any such things.

I stayed up really late, thinking that would cause me to fall instantly asleep when I turned the lights off, and walked through the whole house and checked windows and doors so that my brain wouldn't be able to suggest the possibility that the door wasn't actually locked and that's not just the furnace making that noise.  You can guess by that last run-on sentence that those things didn't work.  I think I may have slept 2 hours last night?  At one point, I think I was actually asleep, but I was dreaming that I was laying in bed, not asleep but with my eyes closed and I was hearing someone walking around.  In the dream I finally convinced myself that I might actually be hearing something scary so I got up to let the dog out and when I got to the back door I realized it wasn't latched!  So that's when I think I actually stopped sleeping.  I had to actually get up and re-check everything and then proceeded to wake up every time the furnace kicked on or off, the dog shifted her position, a car drove by, and one of the cats made a noise.  It was a long night.

So despite husbands intense snoring, and likely sleep apnea, and the fact that he sleeps deeper than the dog and the likelihood of him hearing a serial killer and having the capacity to do anything about it as he sleepily stumbles about is even less than me convincing myself that there is not an alien zombie ghost in the hallway, I have decided that reason #2 for having a husband, is that he is someone warm in bed next to me and his snoring presence allows me to put earplugs in my ears and not hear anything that may or may not be creeping around my house.

Super Graceful

So I ran across this ecard on Pinterest a while ago:

And I thought, "wow! That it totally true!"
I am always finding bruises all over myself and have no idea where they come from.  What's more, I've started making mental notes, and not so mental comments to myself and husband when I run into things.  I'll bash into the coffee table or a desk and say, ow! holy whatensuch and other shorter, four-letter type words, and then tell husband or whoever happens to be nearby (because I rarely do these things when there isn't at least one person around to witness the extent of my coordination deficiency), that "hey, I'll have a bruise there later."  But here's the really crazy part, I rarely actually end up with a bruise from those events which I notate!  Or maybe I do, but my attention span for bruise development is severely limited...I'm not sure.  All I know is when I think I'll end up with a bruise, I rarely witness one come to pass, but then other times I'll catch a glimpse of one, or I'll touch one I didn't know was there, and have NO CLUE where it came from!

This all had a point, I'm sure that's hard to believe.  Last week, I think it was last week, I noticed I had a severely dark and intense looking bruise on the back of my arm.  This thing was good, deep purple about the size of a half-dollar (do people even know what those are anymore?) and looked suspiciously like a large thumb (as if someone grabbed me).  For those of you who don't know I am a counselor for domestic violence offenders, and I have become much more aware of domestic violence as well as things that can be construed as domestic violence.  No, husband does not beat me.  But I am increasingly concerned that someone is going to think I'm one of those counselors with similar issues of my own and this is only fueled by the appearance of bruises I cannot explain!  Needless to say I did my best to hide my arms last week at work.  I did wear a t-shirt under a sweater though one day and my supervisor noticed the bruise so of course I'm all, "IHAVENOIDEAWHEREITCAMEFROM ISN'TTHATWEIRD?" She wasn't nearly as concerned about it as I was, which I have to admit was kind of a let down after I built it all up in my head. I guess I expected like an intervention or something.  But alas no, no unnecessary intervention for me.

Oddly enough, that was also not my primary inspiration for this post.  Although, that's sort of a lie, it has a similar theme in the mysterious bruise area of things.  My inspiration is a totally un-mysterious bruise I have forming on my right butt cheek.  I have no pictures as of yet, but I cannot promise there won't be any, I can promise I will edit out anything that could visually prove the location of the bruise.  Anyway, the punch line is I have learned definitively that I cannot read and walk down stairs.  I am as surprised by this as anyone who may read this and actually knows me might be, that I did not know that about myself before now.  The story is not all that exciting, partly because I don't really remember what happened.  But I was walking down to our laundry room and I was reading the packaging on something and I guess, missed a step? Thought a step was bigger than it was? Decided to try my hand at levitation?  Either way I went down and hit at least 2 steps with my rear before coming to a stop.  And now, to show (or not to show) for it, I cannot sit strait and have a lovely bruise developing that I really kinda want to show off.  At least I know where this one came from!

Daylight Savings Blows

I really truly hate daylight savings.  Or the lack of daylight savings.  Honestly I'm not really sure if we are on daylight savings now or off of it, all I know is that it is 5:09 and I feel like I should be getting ready for bed.  And that's not only because I am already in my comfy pants and sans bra.  I hate that it is dark already.  Now this may have something to do with the fact that I wanted to get some more done today and I needed outdoors in order to do it.  I wanted to do some painting after I got back from my run but it was a little too cold and a little too dark by the time I got back.  So now I'm siting on the couch feeling like I should be doing something productive but I'm not sure what. Husband is playing a video game and I sort of wish it was 2 player, but it's not. I should probably get up and take our soup out of the freezer so it can thaw, but I have a snuggle-y new baby kitty in my lap and so I can't really justify getting up right now.  The other option I can come up with is folding laundry or continuing the project I started yesterday while looking for my painting supplies, organizing the office...but, well, that just doesn't sound fun at all!  And this being my symbolic Sunday I feel like I should do something I enjoy.  Which is why I wanted to paint! Dag-nabit!  Stupid daylight savings or lack of daylight savings!  Do they have these problems in Arizona?

My husband the hero

The other night while the husband and I were peacefully enjoying a lovely steak dinner, we were unknowingly being watched.  Who knows how long we were being monitored.  Perhaps an hour, perhaps the whole day.  All I know is we were being stalked.  Our every move, observed and evaluated in hopes of finding a pattern or a weakness.  Something that could be used against us when the time was right.  This is why I believe it was awhile that we were watched.  How else could it have known that I would be the weakness? How else could it have known I was the one to corner and ambush in a moment of distraction? Virtually defenseless.

As I was saying, the husband and I were enjoying our dinner.  We were in the living room, husband on the couch, me safely protected, or rather cornered; sitting on the floor, husband to my left, couch to my back and right.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement to my right.  I froze.  In my hand I gripped my steak knife. Suddenly movement again! It was coming towards me!! I leapt!! I leapt from the floor and halfway into my husbands lap! Holding fast to my steak knife as I went! I am certain that I must have been attempting to protect my husband by throwing myself between he and the giant eight-legged fiend that was coming toward us!  Luckily for me, husband knew that I was no match for the spider.  He knew, that despite my bravery, the massive size of the quarter-inch creature would be too much for me to over come.  Husband saved me.  After he removed me from his lap and the knife from my hand he took the beast between his fingers and slayed it with one pinch! My Hero!!

The Neighborhood

So we have lived in the new neighborhood now for a month...or a month and a couple weeks.  Honestly I don't even know what year it is some days!  Anyway, we have lived in our new neighborhood for a couple weeks.  We are responsible adult types, all homeowning and bill paying and cooking and cleaning.  Such grown ups.  That's beside the point, not at all what I was going to talk about.  I was going to address some of the peculiarities of our neighborhood, which have become more noticeable as the excitement and newness of homeownership is wearing off and the responsibility and annoyance begins setting in.  So in no particular order, things about our neighborhood!

1) We have a nosy housewife

Well actually at least two, there may be more.  Anyway the nosy Ms. Noserson I had in mind is the neighbor directly next door.  We met our neighbors the very first night we had our house, those who know me may remember pictures of the husband and I trying to hook up our water heater...or rather pictures of him trying to hook up the water heater whist I sat in the room taking pictures and providing witty commentary.  So we were planning how to go about getting the water heater in the house (very heavy) when a man walked by and asked if we were the new neighbors.  "why yes, we are, its a pleasure to meet you" we replied.  But not really because we aren't that polite.  Long story short, he helped us out and introduced me to his wife.  Since our first meeting, neighbor wife has managed to conveniently be outside every time I am.  That's a bit of an exaggeration.  She's a bit of a "know it all" and has informed me that we can purchase a new garage door opener at home depot for $30, that we could buy sod for the lawn at home depot "it's not expensive," that she knows a tree guy who can trim our tree for $300,  that the people who lived in our house before us repainted the exterior (although I have evidence to the contrary) but did not remodel the kitchen, and that we probably should get new windows, guess what? we can get those at home depot too...I'm beginning to think she actually works for home depot and that bit about staying home with her kids is a lie, they're probably just small employees she houses to keep her mortgage payments down!

2) The neighborhood goes down hill

Literally! I noticed it the first time I went for a walk, I took our dog and a friends' dog we were watching (Mr. Wes) to a near by park.  The park is like a half mile away and mostly down hill.  On the way back I noticed that houses were getting progressively nicer and yards more maintained as I climbed toward our house until I eventually made it to our street.  Overall, I'm happy about this observation.

3) DOGS!

Holy hell there are a lot of dogs in our neighborhood!  The reason I know this is that they all bark like all the time! And when they aren't barking, don't worry, there is a fire department on the next street, and the fire department can be counted on to respond to calls, day or night, any time the dogs aren't already going.  Let me explain, first you hear the sirens start up, then one dog: BRRROOOOOOORRRR then another dog: WOOOOOOOOOO and another dog: BARK BARK HOOOOOOOO and another dog.  You get my point? Eventually we have a concert of various howls and barks in different tones and pitch, it's quite relaxing. At 2 am.

The other aspect to my DOGS observation is nosy neighbor's dog.  Don't get me wrong, he is a very sweet, very old, very fat black lab.  I took a picture once upon a time, but I cannot seem to find it at the moment.  But neighbor dog likes to bark.  And this is not an exaggeration.  He barks the entire time he is outside, which seems like it is all day some days.  If you are outside, he will bark at you.  If you are not outside he will bark at someone else.  If no one is outside, he must bark at squirrels, I'm not sure.  But quite literally, he barks constantly.  It's not an urgent or intimidating bark, more like he's just reminding you he's there, every 3-5 seconds, all day.  He stops if you pet him...although I found out after such an act that he has a skin condition...ew.

4) Our mail lady is an evil ninja

Or possibly just over worked and underpaid.  Or maybe lazy.  I'm not sure, but either way she's sneaky!  I'm home at least 3 of the days when she brings mail, but even with the door open she comes by and drops of mail without my noticing until she is at the next house! I don't know how she does it!  I say she is evil, because she is kinda grouchy and "evil ninja" just sounded more intriguing than grouchy ninja.  But she also does not like to look in our box, which is by the door on the house.  Maybe she's just shorter than she looks from a distance, but she routinely leaves mail in our box that I wanted her to take...so again, evil? Trying to take over the world by slowly driving me into a fit of frustrations which would lead me to talk badly to a client, cause hurt feelings and then through some unseen steps I'm too sleepy to verbally illustrate lead to the downfall of society? Maybe.

5) Dog foody deliciousness

Again, I'm talking about dogs...not really though.  What I am referencing is an occurrence we have experienced possibly 3 times since finding this house in which our entire neighborhood smells like dog food.  "huh?" You are confused I see.  Well, for those of you not in Denver, you may not know that there is a GIANT Purina dog food factory off of I-70.  "That's miles and miles from your house" you may say.  Yes, we realize, but that does not stop the pungent and oh so tempting smells from the factory from drifting their way north all the way to our neighborhood and settling in for the day from time to time.  I cannot explain it.  Guess it probably has something to do with wind currents and weather and the right day (or wrong day) in the cycle of dog food making...a perfect storm if you will.  Luckily we've only had a few "dog food days" since the move, which is good.  I cannot describe how hard it is to run when every breath tastes like dog food.

Okay, there you go, 5 things I have sarcastically observed about our new neighborhood.  There were probably more, but that's all I can remember right now.

I don't even know

Truly, I don't even know where to begin.  I guess to start, I probably shouldn't be trying to blog anything at 11:30 at night after a 14.5 hour day today, 5 hours of sleep last night and a 10.5 hour day yesterday.  The reason I say this is, obviously, my ability to express myself in writing (or verbally for that matter) is severely limited when I am this tired.  My grammar goes to poo...as if it was any good to begin with, spelling goes down hill, and my train of thought is all warbally.  And yes, I have decided that is a real word. What?

Anyway, things have been... well just really busy.  I don't really mean to be complainy lady, just the way things have been going.  I feel behind, confused and a little lost in almost every area of my life.  Like when someone taps you on the shoulder and you turn to look but they're standing behind your other shoulder and you kinda knew that when you turned you wouldn't see anyone, but you did it anyway and now you feel sort of justified because people shouldn't play tricks on eachother, but also kinda stupid because you should also know that people sorta suck sometimes. By the way, the fact that I just said "people sorta suck sometimes" is a total compliment on humanity since I just came home from 3 hours of domestic violence offenders.  That may not be totally fair, my groups tonight were great!  I really truely like both my Thursday night groups and despite my overworked-underpaid-sleep deprived state of mind, they totally rejuvenated me tonight!  I think I actually made sense as a counselor and we graduated a guy which always (usually) (sometimes) (often enough) refreshes my faith in what I am apparently choosing to do with my life!  It's nice to hear that someone actually learned something and appreciated what I at least tried to do for them.  Wow, that was a little bit of a redirect...See what I mean about my train of thought?! I'm like the dog on Up! I'm all, bla bla bla, overwhelmed, bla, bla, boo hoo SQUIRREL!  hehe.  And with that, I think I am done posting for the night!  Like I said, I don't even know...guess I just needed to type something about myself instead of things about clients, victims, probation officers, to probation officers, judges, supervisors...yea.

Night night!