But I feel that the current title is far more entertaining, and gives you insight into a real-life example as to why this is something I feel strongly about. There are no written rules about bathroom and locker room etiquette, but I really kind of feel like there should be. Hence...
The following are a combination of what I think are generally accepted, unwritten rules, and rules that, while possibly less accepted, should be expected...And strictly enforced, through social ostracism, humiliation, and generally being pointed at and laughed at. Maybe you should also have to wear a sign or scarlet letter of some kind.
(These observations and rules are based on female restrooms and locker rooms - that doesn't mean they are not a good idea for men too.)
"Hey what are you doing?" ...Um, isn't that kinda personal?
This is a rule that is being violated more and more in our constantly connected world and I know this is going to be difficult for some of you to read, but, if you just take a deep breath and keep reading, I think I can bring you around to my way of thinking. Here it goes, NO talking on your phone in a public bathroom!! Notice I did specify the word public, what you do in your own home is your own business, although I would be careful about who you talk to on the phone, lest a boss, job interviewer, or potential significant other hear you flush. I also want to say that this is not a hard and fast rule if there is no one else in the room and/or building, or if you are answering an emergency call while leaving the restroom. Specifically, I am referring to that time (or times) you were sitting on the toilet, and someone else walked in and said, "hey what's up?" And you responded, "um, not much. What's up with you?" And then the other person answered a question you didn't ask, or commented about the rude person trying to talk to them in the next stall... For those of you not following, the "someone else" answered their phone but you didn't know that because they had their phone on silent, or they made the call and you couldn't see them! And of course you didn't want to be rude and not say something! Even though a stranger asking you how you're doing when you're on a toilet is pretty rude to start. It's all just so confusing. Add to that, now you've ("you" now refers to the phone person) made me feel really dumb, and I either have to hang out on the toilet until you leave so that I don't have to make eye-contact with you, which makes you think I'm pooping because I'm sitting there so long and not making noise - an issue in and of itself to be addressed shortly - OR I have to quickly finish whatever it is I am doing and get out of the bathroom before you!
Overall it's just disrespectful for you to cause me this much distress because you couldn't wait two minutes to take/make a phone call. Besides, the risk of dropping your phone in the toilet increases significantly if you have it in your hand in a bathroom stall.
Ladies don't fart
See you didn't have to read too long before we addressed the issue of number two, and/or the noises generally associated with number two in a public bathroom. Now I'm not saying that you cannot or should not do your number two business in a public bathroom. I totally support this if you can do it without making a noise, or if you are not in the bathroom with anyone you know. But generally speaking, the popular belief in our society is that women do not fart, or poop for that matter. Let me clarify. Women DO NOT make noises in the bathroom other than soothing fountain-like noises. Didn't you know that? Truly, we women are graceful creatures and all that we do is graceful, beautiful, and soothing. Still, if you are unfortunate enough to make any other noise in a bathroom stall and there is a witness, you must immediately stop what you are doing and sit patiently until the other person leaves. We do this because, as I highlighted in the header, women don't fart. If you do make an indiscreet, unladylike noise, no one can ever know your identity. Out of respect the witness to your indecency should leave the bathroom discretely and as quickly as possible. This is done for privacy reasons, and to save you both the embarrassment of ruining the perception that women do not have bodily functions. If you don't make eye-contact it didn't happen.
This is one of those unwritten, generally accepted rules. I can't say that I totally agree with it, but this seems to be the way it is and I would not want you make yourself the subject of that strictly enforced social ostracism I wrote about earlier. Ultimately it's up to you, break this rule at your own risk.
Wash your hands... If You Can Be Identified
Let me be clear, I am not saying that you should not wash your hands EVERY time you use the restroom. Bathrooms are generally disgusting environments, and you have to remember that not everyone is as impeccably well-groomed and clean as you are...and those people just touched everything you touched! Anyway, what I am saying is that I know not everyone always washes their hands. I know! But, if you are one of these people, you must, at the very least wash your hands if you can be identified. This means if you made eye-contact with anyone who is still in the bathroom when you are preparing to leave, you can be identified. If you spoke out loud while someone else in the bathroom, and you are leaving before they are, you must expect that your voice was identified and thus, you have been identified. If you are wearing cute shoes and someone uses the stall next to you, and you are leaving first, you have been identified. Then there is the obvious: if you walk out of your stall and there is a line or someone at a sink, washing their hands, you have been identified, and MUST WASH YOUR HANDS! You don't want to be the one in the office with whom no one wants to share a computer or phone, and you wouldn't want a job interviewer to refuse to shake your hand because they ran into you earlier in the day... in the bathroom... and you didn't wash your hands... and they saw you... You see where I'm going with all of this?
Alternate heads and tails
I encountered my motivation for this rule in a locker room several years ago. But I must also give credit to my mother and god-mother who provided the bathroom equivalent for this rule. The locker room example is as such: Several years ago I was on a swimming kick and was going to the pool several (ha! more like "few") time per week. The shower area of the locker room was one giant room with like twenty shower heads just pocking out of the wall. No curtains. No dividers. Anyway, there I am gettin' my shampoo on in the empty shower area when a woman comes in and turns on the shower head RIGHT NEXT TO ME! Now, I'm not a prude. I feel like I have to say that. But generally speaking, it is NOT okay for any two people to shower at adjacent shower heads if there are other available shower heads! Even best friends, or sisters, or sisters who are best friends, should have at least one shower head between them unless there are absolutely no other options! If there are twenty shower heads, there should be ten women in there showering before anyone needs to be at the shower head next to me!
This rule also applies to bathroom stalls (see thats where the "heads and tails" came in! shower heads, and tails are your bottom end...see what I did there?).
Obviously this is a rule close to my heart, evidenced by all of the exclamation marks and self-centered tone...but I still think it should be a rule.
Don't Look Into My Eyes
This is another one of those generally practice unwritten rules, that badly needs to be written. The idea here is that if we are in a locker room, or other naked situation that is not meant to be sexy, there should be no eye contact! Unless in cases of deep conversation with a good friend, during which eye contact is inevitable and/or necessary. And even then, you need to be very careful, you're both naked, and therefor it can be ONLY eye contact and it should be as brief as politely possible. Now you can talk, talking is a good thing. But in general, until your girly parts are covered, no eye-contact. This is especially true if there is lathering or lotioning going on! To continue on with my example from earlier, there I am in the shower, doin' my thing when no-space-bubble-lady starts showering right next to me. She proceeded to start talking to be about my swim. This is something I can mostly deal with, but then she is forcing eye-contact upon me! Like moving her head into my line of sight so that I have to look at her, all the while she is soaping her rear end! I know! It sounds like a scene from an Adam Sandler movie, but it happened to me. I have had similar experiences with someone rubbing lotion all over their naked selves while trying to have a conversation with eye-contact. It's just not necessary ladies! Avert your eyes, I don't care how comfortable you are in your body, embrace your inner prude and act ashamed of your nakedness like the rest of us!
It's okay to dance naked at home...
I really just like my heading here. I don't have any fun stories about naked dancing in a locker room. That would be both extremely funny and completely uncomfortable. This rule is actually closely tied to my last one and it basically says, get your a$$ dressed! I am not saying that you have to drape yourself in a towel and do that thing where you try to put on all of your clothes while keeping yourself completely covered and then your boob slips out and you're totally embarrassed. No, I am only saying, don't doddle (is that the word I want there?). Get your panties and bra (at the least) on before you run a muck about the locker room, putting on lotion or make-up, or drying your hair. Again, no one in this locker room wants to see your girly bits. Once those girly things are covered you can reenact the entire Grease Lighting number from Grease for all I care...but keep in mind you may end up on youtube doing something like that!
Don't get confused, it's irritating
Last but not least, people, there is a difference between a locker room and a bathroom and/or a bathroom stall. I don't know why it bugs me, but when I am in a locker room and someone goes into the toilet stall to do their locker room business, not their number ones or twos, it really irritates me. It's like, okay, I know people have their body issues, we all do! But why do you get to hide in the stall while crazy eye-contact-lotion-rubby lady tried to carry on a conversation with me?! Honestly, it kinda makes me feel like a kinky exhibitionist that I didn't change in the stall. There is a level of expected nudity in a locker room, get over it and leave the stalls open for those of us who didn't want to pee in the pool!
The other aspect of this is using a public bathroom as a locker room. Maybe my one reader can help me with this one, because I actually don't know what is more appropriate. You know, it's irritating when you're inline to use a stall in a woman's restroom and you realize someone is using the handicapped stall to change. That's irritating because, I need to go now! and also because, what if I were handicapped? You're not! Jerk. But on the other hand, have you ever walked into a public bathroom only to find someone at some level of undress standing in the bathroom in plain sight? Also super awkward! Hi, I don't know you, but those are really cute panties. Thanks for sharing? I think the middle ground is, if you must change in a bathroom stall, either do it in a stall (a normal stall, don't ever take up a handicapped stall unless its the only remaining option) during a low volume time. Or wait to change in your car like the rest of us!!
Thank you.
PS- my husband informs me that NONE of these rules are practiced in the male world. I may need to do another post discussing the differences because they truly are fascinating.
